Love Shouldn’t Hurt

Why can’t you do better?

Don’t screw up today like you did yesterday!

I bet you won’t even accomplish anything today!

You are worthless!

You just can’t learn can you?

How can a person ever become better when they are always reminded they were worse? How can a child grow to become great when they are expected to be adults so suddenly? These words dug into a child’s brain everyday will doom them for failure. I lived with such words all my teenage years. I was doomed each morning before I even opened my eyes.

I make excuses for my mother as an adult because I now understand the mental and psychological disorders she experienced that caused many of her behaviors and reactions towards me. As a child, I just saw it as cruelty. She hated me. She resented having me. She despised being a mother, and I was her burden to carry. My teenage years were her light at the end of the tunnel. I could feel her counting the days until I left the nest. Other days, I could see fear as she would no longer have someone to project her self hate onto. Whatever the cause beyond health, she was miserable, and her misery wanted my company.

Parents can either be less than average, average, or above average. The less than have no care or concern for their child’s future or emotional well being. The average show concern for the appearance of the “happy child” so to not involve others in their lives due to cautious intervention. The above average however, want their children to be happy. They strive for their offspring to live in a nurturing environment with lessons learned and pride in discipline over just simply punishment. Above average parents desire for above average children and actually put in the work to try to make that happen in a healthy way.

I did not have an above average mother. Hell I didn’t even have an average one! My childhood made me hate yelling and screaming. I cannot stand fighting with such high degree. Don’t get me wrong I am human and I have before, but it takes many steps for me to reach that level. I am satisfied to say though that it is quite a bit of work to keep those numbers down. These days, I prefer to just state my point. You can never change someone’s mind, but if you are lucky enough for them to be silent, you can get them to hear your point in the least.

Children do not have this luxury as often. To most I have met, children are in a lower class of their own. They are to be subservient, and have no right to their own opinion. It should not matter what you say or do to children because they will never remember it, grow out of it, or it just simply does not matter. This is all so wrong! Children are miniature versions of adults. They have thoughts and opinions. They have feelings and how they are approached can either build them up or crush them. This article is not to be confused in a way of saying that you should never discipline your child because their feelings maybe hurt. Do not twist my words. Discipline is the backbone of teaching about consequences for wrongdoings. It teaches children how to accept responsibility, evaluate their actions, and reflect on their morals. The approach on how you discipline is what determines if you are less, average, or above.

Do you enjoy being screamed at? Do you appreciate someone hovering over you criticizing you constantly? Would you accept an adult speaking to you in the same manner as you speak to your child? These are very simple questions, but they have a strong message. To scream, curse, and name call a child is never necessary. If you love your child, you know this, but it may happen. If you love your child, you realize your wrongdoing and most likely you have apologized to them. Most likely you have been a true example for your children to follow, and you have admitted when you have been wrong. Mistakes and apologies are a part of discipline and life. Screaming, cursing, name calling, and leaving the child defenseless of their own feelings while knowing what you have done to that child, but never admitting and/ or continuing to damage that child……… just makes you an asshole.

In all aspects of life, we should try to put ourselves in other’s shoes. There are several ways to say it whether it be show kindness or do unto others as you’d have done unto you. They all mean the same. My daily affirmation is that I will be nothing like my mother. This is a thought I would dread my children ever having. loved my mother as a child. I tried everyday to make her happy for so many years. Past the physical and emotional abuse, I still just wanted her to be satisfied with being my mother. She did not need to show me she loved me. She did not need to tell me with the appearance of meaning it. I just wanted her to look happy. Throughout all that we do, our children will love us. We love our children the same unconditionally. That love should not hurt. That love should not be in spite of the pain. That love should be from a place of nurturing. We should love and be loved because of the bounty that love brought to our lives. Not what it took from us.

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