Erin There are many stages of parenting. Some days, child #1 loves me or favors me the most. Some days child #2 shows me the most favoritism. Other days, child #3 is glued to my hip. There are even days where all of my children prefer my husband over me. I am not always Mary Poppins. I can be very loving, but also very strict. Don’t judge….. it works for us. One thing I am definitely not, is my childrens friend.
I am in that stage before friendship. As our children grow, become adults, and no longer require our constant supervision and rules, they can then become our friends. Life becomes more about shared experiences and common issues in adulthood. When our children grow into their own personalities and begin having the same responsibilities, it is much more acceptable and needed for them to have us to lean on and confide in without the strain of criticism and laying down the law.
Don’t get me wrong, I will never stop being their mother. I will never stop with advice or guidance. I will never stop loving them or wanting to make things better for them. As adults though, they have to learn to lean on me as a person, not just as their mother. My teen was amazed the other night when I announced my disapproval at how she spoke to me. I had to explain to her that I was not just a mother, I was a person. This particular situation made me realize even more that she is not yet equipped emotionally to experience a “friendship” with me, she is still a child.
I cannot stand parents who claim it is wrong to not be your child’s friend first. Their children do not share a level of respect and discipline as those who live the opposite do. They prefer to be liked by their children rather than respected. They are appalled when their children do not want to be with them or when their kiddos speak to them as equals in the household. Now don’t get me wrong, when I say equals, I do not mean I am better than my children. I do, however, hold a higher role.
In MY household, my husband is the breadwinner. He goes to work (his job is our primary income), and supplies me with the financial tools to perform my job. I make sure the bills are paid, everyone, is fed, the house is decent, and the children have everything on track (school, docs, shots, sports, clothes, etc). I make sure to do my “job” to the best of my ability, so my husband can do his job without worrying about outside distracions. Not just because he is a soldier (and he could die from worry or be distracted with bullets flying), but because he accomplishes his job everyday when he leaves our home.
MY household works with this dynamic. Yes, I love working (and really miss it), and yes, he helps at home beyond his job. For the most part, we have a system and it works for us. Our children are part of that system. They do not (and do not have to) bring much to the table. They are our dependants. They depend on us. They need us for survival. Therefore, we are not equal. It is mine and my husband’s job to form them into decent and productive members of society. We are to feed them, clothe them, discipline them, and guide them so that they may someday go out into the world, and make it a better place.
We do not do this with our friends. No one should hover over their friends and correct them or discipline them. No one should support their friends financially or pay their way through life. Friendships are for common interest or loves. Friendships are for confiding in one another, and helping when possible through emotional hardships. Friendships are not for parenting. Friendships are not for disciplining.
We all want our children to confide or tell us what is going on in their lives. It is great when your child knows they can come to you with anything (just like friends), but what will you do when your child brings up something potentially dangerous, illegal, or immoral? Yes with friends you can give your opinion, but inevitably their decision is just that….. theirs. With children, it is our job to guide them away from such risks whether by communication, or by discipline. We cannot expect our children to make those “decisions” on their own, because they have not had the life experiences or the capacity mentally to do so.
I love my children. As their mother, I have to let them make the occasional mistake, but I have to judge the degree as to how they make those mistakes, and evaluate what I have done to make them think those mistakes were a good idea. I do not put forth that degree of effort into friendships. Right now, I am their mother. I am excited for the stage of friendship. I am excited to be there for the talks, share a drink, the bitch sessions, and for the job or school drama once they have time and knowledge under their belts. For now though, I am mom. My children will grow up knowing that I can be both friend and mom, at the appropriate time.
