His and hers towels, robes, and finances………..

There are many exciting things about marriage, when done properly. It is fun sharing your life with someone with similar interests, likes, habits, taste in mjusic or movies, and craving for sexual exploration. One thing, however, that is not so pleasant about marriage………. finances. For many years, I have helped people create budgets, research and explore low level investing, prepare applications for home or insurance, and learn how to file their taxes. I enjoy helping people grab the bull by the balls in their financial future. Unfortunately, when I have taught or helped, there was usually only half of the couple in attendance.

I have seen many couples and heard many stories of different financial dynamics. Some mean the wife controls the finances, some the husband controls the finances, others work as a team. I have heard many pros and cons of each. I wanted to share my opinion on them along with my own family’s dynamic. Now some points to make clear before diving in. My husband works and earns the paycheck. I am a stay at home mom. I work in our home and manage the children so once my husband comes home, it is just home to him. No I do not greet him at the door with a martini or his slippers, but I do set an atmosphere so that he may enjoy his time at home rather than have to complete many tasks or help all night.

He earns the money, I spend the money ha ha. Seriously though, I make sure the bills are paid, I do all the shopping needed for the home, and I transport the kids to nearly every activity. Some would think,”I should not consider it our money because I do not make it.” I do not agree with this statement due to the fact that as a married couple, we are equals. We respect each other and make decisions as a team. This is not always a perfect setup, but together we succeed.

Some may find it difficult to discuss finances or compromise the balance of power with their spouse. In fact, WF-lawyers.com states that couples that argue about finances are 30% more likely to divorce. Also, couples with no assets at the beginning of a three year period are 70% more likely to divorce than those with a minimum of $10k in assets. It is common due to the severity and impact finances can have on couples, especially newlyweds. Clevergirlfinance.com had a helpful list of eight financial planning tips for newlyweds:

Talk about your family’s financial history
Decide on a seperate or joint account
Create a budget
Discuss your finances with your spouse regularly
Be honest about your debt
Start an emergency fund
Don’t hide your spending habits
Plan for retirement

Just like wedding preparations, you have to prepare to be married. You have to do the research, and discuss the hard facts before making a big financial “merger” (I know that doesn’t sound romantic, but it’s true). If you do not do your due dilligence, you may end up in greater debt, filing a lot of extra forms at tax time, or being in a financially abusive situation. What do I mean by financially abusive?

It is a power hungry attitude to “trap” someone into financial abuse. We all most likely know someone in one. Let’s come up with an example:

*The “husband” makes the money. The wife is a stay at home mom. Because she does not technically earn money, he believes she should be allowed to have access to “his” money. She cares for the kids, and is forced to budget the family’s food and needs from an allowance she is given. Sometimes not even that much luxury is allowed. *

This is very controlling. It makes the spouse feel as though they are trapped, and the narcissism fueling the breadwinner leaves the spouse feeling hopeless and devalued. I feel the situation could have been avoided by discussions early on to discover each person’s intentions and expectations of handling finances. Again, for most it is not an easy discussion. Whether you are confronting your spouses bad habits or shortcomings, trying to find a common goal, or just trying to slim down each others spending, it can be stressful. Theskimm.com had some helpful talking points to get the ball rolling: